The old lady and her daughter sat in my study looking a little uncertain.
“What can you tell me about my mother’s family?” the older lady asked, “I know a bit but not back to my grandparents or where they came from”.
It seemed a strange request, but as it happened, I had done quite a bit of research on the background of this family as we shared a common ancestor, and I had written a book on the early beginnings of this district in northern New Zealand. We’ll call this lady Ellie for the sake of this story, and her mother Essie.
Essie was one of a large family, and as a young teenage girl, she had taken the job of assistant cook in a logging gang, working among men of different nationalities that made up this gang. Even though she was in the same district that she had grown up, she was still some miles away from her parent’s home, and away from their influence and care.
One of the older married men in the gang took it on himself to show a bit of protection for Essie and because he was kinder than the younger men she tended to seek him out for company in her spare time. After a few months, Essie started to feel ill every morning, and then it dawned on her that she might be pregnant. Whatever would she do?
She knew her parents would be no comfort to her, as it was considered a terrible disgrace in the early days of the twentieth century to be an unmarried mother. But she had no option, she had to tell them and endure their wrath and whatever solution they might suggest.
She was sent away to the anonymity of the big city to stay in a home especially for girls in her situation, and when her baby, a little girl, arrived she knew she had to give her up for adoption. But all was not entirely lost. The man who had befriended her, knew her predicament, and found out where she was staying. He had a solution he said. He was convinced the child was his, and since he and his wife had no family, they were prepared to take the baby and legally adopt her and bring her up. He had talked it over with his wife, he said, and she was happy to do this….she said the baby was half theirs anyway!
So Ellie was adopted by this couple and brought up as their own child. Living as they did in a small country district where everyone knew everyone else, it was inevitable that the other children at school knew that she was different. Ellie wasn’t even sure what being adopted meant, all she knew was that it meant she was different to the other children, and she had to endure many taunts in the playground because of it.
Ellie grew up and left the district to get work in the same city she had been born in, and met and married her husband. They eventually had five daughters and one son, and as a young mother, she missed her real mother so much that she made up her mind to find her. She eventually tracked Essie down. She too, had married and had other children, but had never told any of them about her “disgraceful” youth. Neither her husband, nor her other children knew of the existence of Ellie.
So when she knocked on their door and Essie opened it, Ellie told her who she was, and that Essie was her birth mother. Essie was so horrified at the ramifications of this spectre from the past, that she slammed the door shut in Ellie’s face, and refused to acknowledge her. All Ellie’s dreams of a tender reunion with her real mother dissolved in a moment, and the realisation that she was nothing more than an unwelcome embarrassment to her, overcame her as she stumbled away down the path and back to her home. She felt that life indeed had dealt her a raw deal, and the seeds of bitterness and resentment grew and festered in her mind.
Many years passed by, and Ellie’s daughters grew up and married themselves. Her youngest daughter married and went off to the States to live, and her brother followed her over there and never came back to New Zealand. Ellie felt as though they had deserted her, and it was just one more nail in her coffin of resentment.
Her eldest daughter married and moved right away from the city, and then one of the other two girls was diagnosed as having cancer. She didn’t survive this, and once more Ellie felt bereft. Then to her horror, she heard that her eldest daughter who lived many miles away up north, had also been diagnosed with cancer. So Ellie lost this daughter also, and although the baby survived and was brought up by his father and new wife, Ellie never saw anything of him. She thought sadly of how he was her last link with her eldest daughter.
More years passed by. One day there was a knock at Ellie’s door. She opened it to see an old lady standing there (it was Essie).
“I’ve come to see you before I die” she quavered.
Ellie was so angry…who did she think she was after the way she had treated me? she thought. It gave her great pleasure to slam the door in her mother’s face, and watch her go down the path.
She heard a short while later that her mother had died, and there was never any reconciliation between them.
Now here Ellie was, sitting before me, wanting to know more about her real family. I had seen her periodically coming to the ladies outreach meetings at our church. She had always looked so sad and miserable. Although there were many times when the topic of God’s love and forgiveness were spoken of, she never approached anyone to ask how this might help her even though the invitation to do so was frequently given.
As she told her sad story, it impressed itself on me what a difference it would have made to her if she had only done this! As far as I knew, she never did forgive her mother, and died still in her sadness and regrets of what might have been.
I include this story here as a warning of what bitterness and resentment can do to a person when it is not dealt with promptly. It is only natural to feel these things in the face of disappointments and hurts, but we must never let it stay and fester. The Bible tells us that these things have roots, and if we leave them, they will overcome us…we are to get rid of them before they grow…
Watch carefully in case any person fails to show the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springs up and troubles you. (Hebrews 12:15)