Tag Archives: Regrets

Bob’s “If only…”

     As Bob came to in the darkness, he wondered where he was. There were unfamiliar sounds going on around him, and a distinct disinfectant smell. He  realised he was in a bed, but he was sure it wasn’t his own one. He tried to turn over and nothing seemed to be working. Whatever had happened to him?

   Ah, he remembered now. He had left the local pub at closing time and found his way to his car. He remembered driving towards home and over the bridge that spanned quite a sizeable river on the way, but nothing more after that. Bob had indeed driven over the bridge, but he had failed to see the corner immediately after it, and continued straight ahead up the bank where the car had flipped over. Bob had not been wearing his seat belt and he was thrown out. As a result his spinal cord was badly damaged leaving him a paraplegic. He was in hospital for a long time, and it took him several months before he admitted that his situation was actually his own fault.

   First of all he railed against the fact that his seat belt wasn’t on, but he was the one who had not buckled up. It never occurred to him that if he hadn’t been drinking until closing time, he would have been capable of driving safely, so that was another nail in his coffin of blame, as it were.  

   No-one knew when it finally dawned on him that perhaps God was speaking to him through this accident. It wasn‘t that he was a stranger to the things of God. There had been a time when he had made his decision to follow the Lord, and was enthusiastic in his attendance at his small local church. But the older men tended to curb his youthful enthusiasm and he became discouraged. There came a day when he heard some more criticism, and that was it as far as he was concerned. He had had enough, he said. If that was how they felt, then he was finished.

    Bob never attended a church service on a regular basis again, and in time, no-one would have recognized him as being a Christian. Years passed by, and his family arrived and grew up. In his time of reflection now in his hospital bed, he remembered different times when he felt that God was perhaps speaking to him.

     There was that time that he had been feeding hay out to his cattle and carelessly thrown the loose bailing twine into the cab of his ute. As he drove onto the road, he got out to shut the gate behind him, and as his feet became tangled in the twine he fell onto the road. A car came around the corner and nearly caught him before he got up. Bob wondered at the time if the Lord was speaking to him, but he mentally shrugged it off as coincidence, and let the opportunity go by.

     Then there was another time not long before this, when a visiting evangelist had come to the district. Bob attended one of the meetings, and was strongly moved to respond to the appeal when it was given at the end, but he thought of his drinking mates and what they would say to him. Just the same, he had to hold tightly to his seat with both hands to keep from making the move along the aisle when others were going down to the front.

“There’s still plenty of time”, he told himself.

Now he wondered if things would have been different if he had made that move back then. It began to dawn on him that perhaps all this was his own fault, and all because he kept shutting the thought of God out of his mind. “Perhaps God IS speaking me” he said to himself, “If I had taken the step when that preacher was asking people to come forward, perhaps none of this would have happened!” How right he was! He wouldn’t have been at the pub this particular night if he had done that!

   By the time Bob was discharged from the hospital and able to go home, he had confessed his willfulness  and disobedience to the Lord and received full forgiveness for it all. Bob was full of joy in his mind and heart now….not for the position he found himself in, but in the fact that now he had made his peace with God once more.  He was able to pray again, picking up where he had left off when a young man. But in spite of that, nothing could give back the years he had wasted, and this was a constant regret to him.

   He enjoyed the visits he had from other Christians who knew him, and to talk about the things of God was one of his greatest joys.   He now spent his days in his wheelchair looking out of the large windows of his living room across the town to the harbour in the distance. He had once served on the local harbour board, and was particularly interested in watching the container ships and tankers moving in and out of the harbour.

   He lived for a few more years, and told one of his visitors not long before he passed into the Lord’s presence, “You know, I would sooner be like I am now, and able to enjoy these times with the Lord, than to be what I was once, able to walk but still running away from God. It doesn’t pay!”

          The Apostle Paul wrote….. In case I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.       And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness”

       . Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.       (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

“I Wish I hadn’t Done It!”

The old lady and her daughter sat in my study looking a little uncertain.
“What can you tell me about my mother’s family?” the older lady asked, “I know a bit but not back to my grandparents or where they came from”.
It seemed a strange request, but as it happened, I had done quite a bit of research on the background of this family as we shared a common ancestor, and had written a book on the early beginnings of this district in northern New Zealand. We’ll call this lady Ellie for the sake of this story, and her mother Essie.
Ellie had been adopted by her parents from birth, but never knew this until she was an adult. As it happened, her adoptive father was actually her birth father…his wife had never been able to have children. When he heard that the girl he had been seeing had become pregnant, he was convinced the child was his. Knowing how much his wife longed for a baby, he told her what had happened and put the proposition of adopting this baby to her. She was happy to do this….she said the baby was half theirs anyway!
So Ellie was adopted by this couple and brought up as their own child. Living as they did in a small country district where everyone knew everyone else, it was inevitable that the other children at school knew that she was different. Ellie wasn’t even sure what being adopted meant, all she knew was that she was different to the other children, and she had to endure many taunts in the playground because of it. Not only that, she was an only child in a day where large families were the norm, and this too made her stand out as “different” to the other children at school.
When Ellie grew up, she left the district to get work in the same city she had been born in, and here she met and married her husband. They eventually had five daughters and one son. As a young mother, she missed her real mother so much that she made up her mind to find her. She eventually tracked Essie down. She too, had married and had other children, but had never told any of them about her “disgraceful” youth. Neither her husband, nor her other children knew of the existence of Ellie.
So when she knocked on their door and Essie opened it, Ellie told her who she was, and that Essie was her birth mother. Essie was so horrified at the ramifications of this spectre from the past, that she slammed the door shut in Ellie’s face, and refused to acknowledge her. All Ellie’s dreams of a tender reunion with her real mother dissolved in a moment, and the realisation that she was nothing more than an unwelcome embarrassment to her overcame her as she stumbled away down the path and back to her home. When she got there, she tore the only photo she had of Essie into small pieces, and threw them into the rubbish bin. She felt that life indeed had dealt her a raw deal, and the seeds of bitterness and resentment grew and festered in her mind.
Many years passed by, and Ellie’s daughters grew up and married themselves. Her youngest daughter married and went off to the States to live, and her brother followed her over there and never came back to New Zealand. Ellie felt as though they had deserted her, and it was just one more nail in her coffin of resentment.
Her eldest daughter married and moved right away from the city, and then one of the other two girls was diagnosed as having cancer. She didn’t survive this, and once more Ellie felt bereft. Then to her horror, she heard that her eldest daughter who lived many miles away up north, had also been diagnosed with cancer. So Ellie lost this daughter also, and although the baby survived and was brought up by his father and new wife, Ellie never saw anything of him. She often thought sadly of how he was her last link with her eldest daughter.
More years passed by. One day there was a knock at Ellie’s door. She opened it to see an old lady standing there (it was Essie).
“I’ve come to see you before I die”, she quavered.
Ellie was so angry…who does she think she is, after the way she treated me? she thought. It gave her great pleasure to slam the door in her mother’s face, and watch her go down the path.
She heard a short while later that her mother had died, and there had never been any reconciliation between them.
Now here she was sitting before me wanting to know more about her real family. I was able to fill her in on her real mother’s side, who they were and where they fitted into the jigsaw of genealogy.
I had seen this lady periodically coming to the ladies outreach meetings at our church without knowing anything of her background. She had always looked so sad and miserable. Although there were many times when the topic of God’s love and forgiveness were spoken of, she never approached anyone to ask how this might help her even though the invitation to do so was frequently given.
As she told her sad story, it impressed itself on me what a difference it would have made to her if she had only done this! As far as I knew, she never did forgive her mother, and died still in her sadness and regrets of what might have been.
I include this story here as a warning of what bitterness and resentment can do to a person when it is not dealt with promptly. It is only natural to feel these things in the face of disappointments and hurts, but never let it stay and fester. The Bible tells us that these things have roots, and we are to get rid of them before they grow…
Watch carefully in case any person fails to show the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springs up and troubles you. (Hebrews 12:15)

“I Wish I hadn’t Done It!”

The old lady and her daughter sat in my study looking a little uncertain.
“What can you tell me about my mother’s family?” the older lady asked, “I know a bit but not back to my grandparents or where they came from”.
It seemed a strange request, but as it happened, I had done quite a bit of research on the background of this family as we shared a common ancestor, and I had written a book on the early beginnings of this district in northern New Zealand. We’ll call this lady Ellie for the sake of this story, and her mother Essie.
Essie was one of a large family, and as a young teenage girl, she had taken the job of assistant cook in a logging gang, working among men of different nationalities that made up this gang. Even though she was in the same district that she had grown up, she was still some miles away from her parent’s home, and away from their influence and care.
One of the older married men in the gang took it on himself to show a bit of protection for Essie and because he was kinder than the younger men she tended to seek him out for company in her spare time. After a few months, Essie started to feel ill every morning, and then it dawned on her that she might be pregnant. Whatever would she do?
She knew her parents would be no comfort to her, as it was considered a terrible disgrace in the early days of the twentieth century to be an unmarried mother. But she had no option, she had to tell them and endure their wrath and whatever solution they might suggest.
She was sent away to the anonymity of the big city to stay in a home especially for girls in her situation, and when her baby, a little girl, arrived she knew she had to give her up for adoption. But all was not entirely lost. The man who had befriended her, knew her predicament, and found out where she was staying. He had a solution he said. He was convinced the child was his, and since he and his wife had no family, they were prepared to take the baby and legally adopt her and bring her up. He had talked it over with his wife, he said, and she was happy to do this….she said the baby was half theirs anyway!
So Ellie was adopted by this couple and brought up as their own child. Living as they did in a small country district where everyone knew everyone else, it was inevitable that the other children at school knew that she was different. Ellie wasn’t even sure what being adopted meant, all she knew was that it meant she was different to the other children, and she had to endure many taunts in the playground because of it.
Ellie grew up and left the district to get work in the same city she had been born in, and met and married her husband. They eventually had five daughters and one son, and as a young mother, she missed her real mother so much that she made up her mind to find her. She eventually tracked Essie down. She too, had married and had other children, but had never told any of them about her “disgraceful” youth. Neither her husband, nor her other children knew of the existence of Ellie.
So when she knocked on their door and Essie opened it, Ellie told her who she was, and that Essie was her birth mother. Essie was so horrified at the ramifications of this spectre from the past, that she slammed the door shut in Ellie’s face, and refused to acknowledge her. All Ellie’s dreams of a tender reunion with her real mother dissolved in a moment, and the realisation that she was nothing more than an unwelcome embarrassment to her, overcame her as she stumbled away down the path and back to her home. She felt that life indeed had dealt her a raw deal, and the seeds of bitterness and resentment grew and festered in her mind.
Many years passed by, and Ellie’s daughters grew up and married themselves. Her youngest daughter married and went off to the States to live, and her brother followed her over there and never came back to New Zealand. Ellie felt as though they had deserted her, and it was just one more nail in her coffin of resentment.
Her eldest daughter married and moved right away from the city, and then one of the other two girls was diagnosed as having cancer. She didn’t survive this, and once more Ellie felt bereft. Then to her horror, she heard that her eldest daughter who lived many miles away up north, had also been diagnosed with cancer. So Ellie lost this daughter also, and although the baby survived and was brought up by his father and new wife, Ellie never saw anything of him. She thought sadly of how he was her last link with her eldest daughter.
More years passed by. One day there was a knock at Ellie’s door. She opened it to see an old lady standing there (it was Essie).
“I’ve come to see you before I die” she quavered.
Ellie was so angry…who did she think she was after the way she had treated me? she thought. It gave her great pleasure to slam the door in her mother’s face, and watch her go down the path.
She heard a short while later that her mother had died, and there was never any reconciliation between them.
Now here Ellie was, sitting before me, wanting to know more about her real family. I had seen her periodically coming to the ladies outreach meetings at our church. She had always looked so sad and miserable. Although there were many times when the topic of God’s love and forgiveness were spoken of, she never approached anyone to ask how this might help her even though the invitation to do so was frequently given.
As she told her sad story, it impressed itself on me what a difference it would have made to her if she had only done this! As far as I knew, she never did forgive her mother, and died still in her sadness and regrets of what might have been.
I include this story here as a warning of what bitterness and resentment can do to a person when it is not dealt with promptly. It is only natural to feel these things in the face of disappointments and hurts, but we must never let it stay and fester. The Bible tells us that these things have roots, and if we leave them, they will overcome us…we are to get rid of them before they grow…
Watch carefully in case any person fails to show the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springs up and troubles you. (Hebrews 12:15)

Bob’s “If only”….

      As Bob came to in the darkness, he wondered where he was. There were unfamiliar sounds going on around him, and a distinct disinfectant smell. He  realised he was in a bed, but he was sure it wasn’t his own one. He tried to turn over and nothing seemed to be working. Whatever had happened to him?

Ah, he remembered now. He had left the local pub at closing time and found his way to his car. He remembered driving towards home and over the bridge that spanned quite a sizeable river on the way, but nothing more after that.

Bob had indeed driven over the bridge, but he had failed to see the corner immediately after it, and continued straight ahead up the bank where the car had flipped over. Bob had not been wearing his seat belt and he was thrown out. As a result his spinal cord was badly damaged leaving him a paraplegic. He was in hospital for a long time, and it took him several months before he admitted that his situation was actually his own fault.

First of all he railed against the fact that his seat belt wasn’t on, but he was the one who had not buckled up. It never occurred to him that if he hadn’t been drinking until closing time, he would have been capable of driving safely, so that was another nail in his coffin of blame, as it were.

No-one knew when it finally dawned on him that perhaps God was speaking to him through this accident. It wasn‘t that he was a stranger to the things of God. There had been a time when he had made his decision to follow the Lord, and was enthusiastic in his attendance at his small local church. But the older men tended to curb his youthful enthusiasm and he became discouraged. There came a day when he heard some more criticism, and that was it as far as he was concerned. He had had enough, he said. If that was how they felt, then he was finished.

Bob never attended a church service on a regular basis again, and in time, no-one would have recognized him as being a Christian. Years passed by, and his family arrived and grew up. In his time of reflection now in his hospital bed, he remembered different times when he felt that God was perhaps speaking to him.

There was that time that he had been feeding hay out to his cattle and carelessly thrown the loose bailing twine into the cab of his utility truck. As he drove onto the road, he got out to shut the gate behind him, and as his feet became tangled in the twine he fell onto the road. A car came around the corner and nearly caught him before he got up. Bob wondered at the time if the Lord was speaking to him, but he mentally shrugged it off as coincidence, and let the opportunity go by.

Then there was another time not long before this, when a visiting evangelist had come to the district. Bob attended one of the meetings, and was strongly moved to respond to the appeal when it was given at the end, but he thought of his drinking mates and what they would say to him. Just the same, he had to hold tightly to his seat with both hands to keep from making the move along the aisle when others were going down to the front.

“There’s still plenty of time”, he told himself.

Now he wondered if things would have been different if he had made that move back then. It began to dawn on him that perhaps all this was his own fault, and all because he kept shutting the thought of God out of his mind.

“Perhaps God IS speaking me” he said to himself, “If I had taken the step when that preacher was asking people to come forward, perhaps none of this would have happened!”

How right he was! He wouldn’t have been at the pub this particular night if he had done that!

By the time Bob was discharged from the hospital and able to go home, he had confessed his willfulness  and disobedience to the Lord and received full forgiveness for it all. Bob was full of joy in his mind and heart now….not for the position he found himself in, but in the fact that now he had made his peace with God once more.  He was able to pray again, picking up where he had left off when a young man. But in spite of that, nothing could give back the years he had wasted, and this was a constant regret to him.

He enjoyed the visits he had from other Christians who knew him, and to talk about the things of God was one of his greatest joys.

He now spent his days in his wheelchair looking out of the large windows of his living room across the town to the harbour in the distance. He had once served on the local harbour board, and was particularly interested in watching the container ships and tankers moving in and out of the harbour.

He lived for a few more years, and told one of his visitors not long before he passed into the Lord’s presence, “You know, I would sooner be like I am now, and able to enjoy these times with the Lord, than to be what I was once, able to walk but still running away from God. It doesn’t pay!”

          The Apostle Paul wrote….. In case I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.         And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness”  . Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.       (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)